I am sure that I haven't really been myself for 4 years now. Because I went through something that nobody should ever go through. Something that only leaves pieces and no ways of mending it.

Then I found someone who had all the potential to heal me. I found the most amazing person, but I was not ready. I did not feel that I could be put together. And however much we tried, I could not be okay.

He made me so happy. So often. But I had a mixture in me that was bound to boil and burst. I had a chemical in me that wanted to explode and that nobody could really understand. 

pink glasses

I love the sensation of a new beginning. I love packing my things, getting rid of everything I don't actually need, and the sense that I will leave all of this behind.

And then the ´pink glasses of leaving´ come on. However bad the things have been and however much I want this new start, there is always the moment when I realize all the good things that I have to leave behind as well. Those little moments of happiness that I got lost in: the little flowers that grow by the window, the neighbors cat, that refuses to let me go by without stroking it's glowing fur, the way that the birds sing in the trees when I wake up, those things always make me want to stay. In this pinkness I can't see anything bad that has happened. The days before leaving are always the most beautiful. No matter how bad life has been or how wrong things have gone, these days are always warm and graceful.

Is this the reason that I can't stay still? Because of the moments like these, when I actually manage to acknowledge all the beautiful little things that were in my life? Or is it enabling me to keep moving until I find a place that has that pink glow over everything?