I am sure that I haven't really been myself for 4 years now. Because I went through something that nobody should ever go through. Something that only leaves pieces and no ways of mending it.

Then I found someone who had all the potential to heal me. I found the most amazing person, but I was not ready. I did not feel that I could be put together. And however much we tried, I could not be okay.

He made me so happy. So often. But I had a mixture in me that was bound to boil and burst. I had a chemical in me that wanted to explode and that nobody could really understand. 

pink glasses

I love the sensation of a new beginning. I love packing my things, getting rid of everything I don't actually need, and the sense that I will leave all of this behind.

And then the ´pink glasses of leaving´ come on. However bad the things have been and however much I want this new start, there is always the moment when I realize all the good things that I have to leave behind as well. Those little moments of happiness that I got lost in: the little flowers that grow by the window, the neighbors cat, that refuses to let me go by without stroking it's glowing fur, the way that the birds sing in the trees when I wake up, those things always make me want to stay. In this pinkness I can't see anything bad that has happened. The days before leaving are always the most beautiful. No matter how bad life has been or how wrong things have gone, these days are always warm and graceful.

Is this the reason that I can't stay still? Because of the moments like these, when I actually manage to acknowledge all the beautiful little things that were in my life? Or is it enabling me to keep moving until I find a place that has that pink glow over everything?

To grow old

I love the lines on old peoples faces. I love the veins popping out from their hands. It fascinates me. It makes me appreciate the fact that they have lived. It also makes me feel that I still have to earn my lines and popping veins. And I do not want them to just appear, I want them to be as scars representing memories and things I have been through. I have no interest in growing old. I want to live and fight and earn my old age. 

Love strangers

My work as a care assistant for the elderly is the best and also most painful thing you can do as a human. Every day I see how age and diseases have taken peoples life away. And also, with my work I have gained more love then I have ever thought possible. I go to different care homes every day. Everything is different, everyone is different. Still one thing seems to be the same. Their love and appreciation is something amazing. Rarely do I have a shift when I don't hug amazing people.



Often I cry. I cry with them, because they are upset. Either because they can't walk or that they are forgetful and confused. When they cry, I cry.


Often I laugh. Sometimes I laugh so hard that it is difficult for me to stand up. I laugh so hard that I need to sit on the floor next to them. And sometimes I have no idea what the joke actually was. When they laugh, I laugh.

But the thing is. How ever ill, sad or confused an old person is. They have the biggest ability. They know who cares. They might not know where they are, how old they are, or what has happened to them. But they can feel the energy. They know that I love them. I love strangers. I choose to love strangers and when they love me back, it is the biggest gift and they give me more than I could ever give them.

And also it is the most painful job you could do as a person who loves strangers. They are old. They are ill. And they die. When I worked in a nursing home as a permanent staff, I lost a lot of residents. I lost over 10 people who I loved. In mere half a year. I can just hope that their last days were better because I was therelove 

I guess you never realise that you are in a bad situation before you get out of it. We hear so much about violence, hunger, disasters, that we get to the conclusion that suffering is okay.
But no. Suffering is never okay. We should always fight against it. And the fact that some people have it worse than I do, should never stop me from seeking for happiness. I am in a situation that makes me depressed. And if people ask what makes it bad, I find difficulties answering. Because I feel that if things aren't awful beyond means I have no reason to be down. But try to be up when nothing is right. 

I have been afraid to show what I feel. I didn't know I was afraid back then, just I have always thought that showing your soft inside is a weakness. Now I know that it is my biggest strenght to show that I care. The feelings I get when I give away all my love and get the love back. When I chip away my heart and get pieces from other hearts back as a return. And then the strenght I found after giving away my heart to people who are dying. There is no better feeling then to make dying breaths easier. It was something I didn't know I could handle. My love dying. I have lost so many people by now that have gone with pieces of my heart. I am thankful for all that I recieved from them. I am thankful that they have thought me to love without conditions. They showed me that love remains after they are gone. Which means that my love was never about them. I loved. Yes, I loved them, but the love itself, it was all me. It was inside of me. And the feeling after the grieving period when you make your peace with what happened, but the love still remains. I have grieved a lot. And the love have stayed with me. I have lost and I am stronger, because I have the love to keep forever. It is never bad to care, it is never bad to give away pieces of your heart. I know I have made this earth better for many, they have made this life worthwhile living for me. I have found that something I have always thought to be my weakness, is actually my biggest strenght. I have realised that the strongest people are those who love, care and give themselves away and embrace it, the ones that still stand up tall after willingly giving away pieces of themselves. We are the people who play for all or nothing. We are the people who change the world but never expect a praise. We don't live for the fame. We don't live for the gain. But we are the people that actually live